Fear

I picked up a new book of memoirs written by MAJ Dick Winters from the 101^st easy company.  I read the preface and then later that evening found myself looking for a movie about surgeons in war.  I realized that I was longing for something specific.  I was longing for someone else to share my experience with.  I was looking to see if anyone had depicted the experiences of a combat surgeon.  Depressingly, I found several text books on combat surgery and educational material on surgery and the history of surgery, but never on memoirs of a combat surgeon. 

There are elements of deployment that anyone who has deployed and only those that have deployed can relate.  And as I have said previously, there are many things that my combat arms brothers share that I will (Lord willing) never experience.  These things make them a club unto themselves, a band of brothers.  Us medical corps types, although greatly appreciated remain outside of the circle.  But likewise, there are things that we experience that they will never experience…. save maybe the combat medic.  And even within the medical team, the surgeon alone bears tremendous burden and responsibility.  We are put on a pedestal.  We are expected and counted on to save the soldier.  If the solders survive long enough to make it to the FST, they are expected to survive.  They place their full confidence and trust in us.   It is with this sacred trust that they go out confidently into harm’s way, knowing that we stand ready, always.  And we surgeons, must always reflect that confidence to them so they know we are ready.  But here lies the problem for the surgeon.  We are human.  And in the moment that only the surgeon can see the laboriously exposed injury in the abdomen, or chest, or pelvis, and the surgeon is the only one who knows what must be done, do they have the commensurate skills to accomplish the task.  In that moment, the answer will be yes or no.  And if the answer is no, the soldier dies and the combat surgeon dies inside.  Every time an alert of a casualty comes through the lines of communication, the surgeon knows that once again he will face this painful, humbling question.   I must admit, it is out of fear of this question that, at present, motivates me to study.   And this too frustrates me.  I have told others that God has made them for a purpose and when they find that purpose, there is great fulfillment in honing their skills to better fulfill their purpose.   This creates a positive cycle that further motivates them to get better and better, as they feel more and more fulfilled.  But for me now, I am feeling more fear than fulfilment.  This fear I know comes from insecurity.  And this insecurity comes from placing my trust in the wrong thing.  Earlier this year I counselled one of my senior residents about this very thing.  He felt that the only way he could rest well was if he knew all the right surgical answers. My advice to him then, I now need.  I told him I thought it was interesting that, as smart as he was, why would he think that seeking all the right answers to the little things would bring him comfort, while leaving the truly important questions unanswered?  The question is true for me today.  As I, motivated by fear of not knowing how to face a problem, study, miss the answer to the question my heart is really seeking, “God, will you take care of this soldier through me?”   And the answer to this question is always a resounding yes!!!!!    That’s why the Paul emphatically writes to Timothy in 2Tim1:6-7, “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control”.

This is the struggle.  And my heart wants to connect with others that have experienced this too.  But as I read this, I realize that this is a struggle for all that are afraid.  Our fear is rooted in insecurity.  And our insecurity comes from misplaced trust; trust that is not rooted in God but rather in smaller things.

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." -Matt 6:33